Everything I needed to know about women I learned from Ironjaw

From Thesneeze, "A few days ago I introduced you to Ironjaw: the crappy comic book that my aunt gave me as a kid for absolutely no apparent reason.

I never really read any Ironjaw until now, and that is a true shame because I've come to realize that my aunt wasn't just handing me a comic book-- she was handing me an instructional tool for the opposite sex-- a virtual how-to guide to women. Had I only studied it then, my life-experience with the ladies may have been very different.

The good news is, it's not too late for any of us.


The Sneeze now proudly presents...

EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
I LEARNED FROM IRONJAW

The first thing Ironjaw taught me is that when it comes to the ladies, CONFIDENCE is key. If you don't believe in yourself, how can she?






Here, Ironjaw has helped me realize that HONESTY in a relationship is crucial. Don't just tell a woman what you think she wants to hear. Speak from your heart, and she will only love you more for it...






Even Ironjaw wasn't the apple of every gal's eye right off the bat. A little PERSEVERANCE goes a long way...






And don't be a GLOOMY GUS, either. Watch how Ironjaw looks on the bright side. That makes chicks all sexual!





And the most important lesson I've learned is: Deep down, women don't care if you're short, or fat, or even if you have a bear trap for a chin... all that really matters is that the rest of your head looks exactly like Sylvester Stallone."

Yay!

You know when you have something cool coming to you in the mail, and it's late, and you're anxious about it? I had not one but two packages like that: One was a Bricklink order that was more than a month late;
the other was an eBay order which, while it had no outward signs of trouble, was the first one I'd paid for without ever emailing with a live person. And it was from Hong Kong. Clearly the late legos were worsening my edginess about it, but the upshot is that they were both waiting for me when I got back to my desk today. The legos included the whole dragon from the Harry Potter set, (all I would've wanted from that set). The beastie is fantastic, much cooler than that picture makes it look. The other newbies were (top-to-bottom) the much sought-after Pachydiscus, the not-quite-as-sought-after-but-now-I-have-the-whole-set Suchomimus, and the purchased-on-a-lark Meiolania. He's from Series 2, which I still need 8 of (both series have 24). The turtle has a neat little face. It was a good day, despite Godzilla: Final Wars. Welcome to my toy empire, new citizens! I'm a kind and benevolent ruler, but I own you.

More Wishing

I can still remember that summer where I went to Octopunk's house for the first time and I spied his shiny Millenium Falcon. Back in the late 70s Octopunk was a neat freak (what the hell happened?) and his bedroom was well organized. As I scanned the coolness of his room I saw this awesome ship. I was simply GREEN with envy that he had such a cool toy and it would be a long time before my endless begging netted me one as well. I still think that this is my favorite Star Wars figure accessory - this or the ATAT.


Of course Octopunk also had Atari before everyone else including all the exciting games of the time such as Math Fun. Damn, Octopunk, you were so freakin' spoiled!

The stuff dreams are made of

It the 1970s the best hope a kid had for learning about upcoming toys was to get their mitts on the Sears Wish Book, which conveniently came out in the late fall. This thick cornucopia of avarice was our book of dreams. I can still remember getting this book and quickly flipping past all the boring clothes to the end, where all the cool stuff was. With marker in hand, to circle all the stuff we wanted “Santa” to bring us, I would get to work. Over the ensuing weeks I would go through this catalogue repeatedly and each time I did so I would get the same thrill I experienced when I looked at it for the very first time. The Sears Wish Book was the ultimate toy tease for a kid. By circling ever Star Wars thing I could find I all but guaranteed that I would get a few of the many things I wanted.

Some of the most ingrained images from my childhood

Ah, the images of childhood. Yep, that’s right, Star Wars blister card backs. What, this doesn’t make your heart skip a beat? You obviously don’t belong here. To a boy of the 1970s, there was nothing more exhilarating than finding out that the Star Wars card back had changed to display new figures and vehicles. When the familiar 12-figure card back changed to reveal the second wave of Star Wars figures, girlish screams of joy could be heard throughout the land. Below is just a sampling of the many different Star Wars card backs offered between 1978 and the mid 80s. I did not include some of the more redundant cards, but this pictorial pretty much captures the excitement of Star Wars figure collecting. I think this was the only series of figures which included comprehensive pictures of every figure in the collection on the back of the cards; an invaluable pre-internet collectors resource.



We Wished!!!

We all have an Aunt Fran

From Thesneeze, "When I was a kid my Aunt Fran came over the house one day. She held a thin paper bag and said, "Steven, I have a surprise for you. I know you like comic books, so I got you this."

Sweet! Good ol' Aunt Fran!

What could it be??? Fantastic Four? The Incredible Hulk?

I grabbed the bag and pulled out my unexpected bounty.

Oh boy! Iron M-- jaw...



IronJaw?

Gee, thanks Aunt Fran.

He's really... cool. No, he is!

Stand back evil! Here comes IRONJAW and his... iron... jaw.

Nothing can stand in his way! No matter how... chewy?

Well, at least he's got a cool unifor--

Nevermind."

Whip this

From the "Why?" file comes a new Devo action figure with 5 heads.

Check out this nerd's site

This guy is pretty ambitious in a way that only a true nerd would be. His nerdy goal is to recreate Episode 1 as a "photonovel" using all his Star Wars figures. Why? What's the significance?

Those Bastards

Amazo
Starman
Bald Green Lantern
Red Tornado
Aquaman
Booster Gold
Atom Smasher
Hawk
Dove
Metamorpho
Wildcat
Sinestro
Steel
Supergirl
Lex Luthor
Copperhead
Mirror Master
Tomar Re
Kilowog
Orion
Bizarro

Damn! DAMN! That's the list of JLU figs I need, just based on the back of some blister cards and my knowledge of what is out there. I may even be forgetting someone. I gotta put some effort into this. I may need your help.

Waverider, I'm happy to say, enjoys a key spot in my fig display. Too bad the picture is so crappy.

Damn.

Someone deserves a mild slap

This is the pilot for the new Lego B-wing. Pretty good, I'd say. Has that Sullustan look about him, clearly the paint job is a decent rendering of this guy's outfit.

Ready to hear his name? Are you?

Ten numb.

Dark Crystal

"The retail price was originally $80 for the pair from the manufacturer's website, although some stores were selling them for around $35 each. Your best bet now might be E-Bay, or if you are patient, keep your eyes open at stores like Spencer Gifts or other stores at the mall that sell movie action figures.

The beautifully crafted and costumed figures are fully poseable, and were released in a limited edition of 7500 sets. Accessories include Crystal Shard, Jen's flute & Fizzgig."

More Vintage fun

Here we have our very first glimpse of the mysterious Boba Fett (unless you were up late enough to watch the infamous Holiday Special). What's so funny about this promotion is that it's obvious from the little picture of Boba's head that the toy designers did not have a photo of the character to work from. Boba just looks weird in that ad. Of course, this little photo sent all of us into hyperventilation mode back in 1978. Next we have a picture of the first carded Boba Fett. Gone is the promised rocket-firing feature, a MAJOR disappointment. However, the figure itself rocks and the blister card art is charming. Back in the day we couldn't wait to see Boba use his flame thrower (who knew we'd have to wait until 2002 to actually see it in action?).

Scorch

SAGA 021: Scorch (Republic Commando)
Earned Nickname: Accidentally torching his eyebrows
Skill: Explosives technician
Known as: Delta's resident wiseacre
Bio: When the battle begins on Geonosis, clone trooper Scorch is ordered to engage the Sepratist droid army. Scorch's Delta number is Six-Two, but he is known for his humorous mishaps. Although he is a competent soldier and an excellent explosives technician, "Scorch" earned his nickname after an ordance accident that left him without eyebrows for a short time.

JPX is a Cranky Old Man

Nevertheless, I'm going for an even crankier goal with the following....Here are the figures I put on my "old one is better" list that I actually wrote down while taking a toy census in 2003.

Tusken Raider
Greedo
R5-D4 (although that was mostly because that first new one SUCKED)
Power Droid
Yoda
2-1B
TIE Fighter Pilot (something about that old one I just love)
IG-88 (small margin here, they're basically the same fig)
4-LOM (suffering from the Sandperson problem I discussed)
Bib Fortuna (ditto)
Nien Numb
Emperor
Rancor Keeper
Weequay
Klaatu Skiff
Nikto
Squid Head
Amanaman
Yak Face
8D8
EV-9D9
Pruneface

Also honorably mentions to the Rancor and the Wampa.