Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Truly awful Star Wars collectibles

Underoos (for girls)

"Just what every little girl dreams of - a matching vest and knickers set that makes them look a bit like a robot.
I admire whoever had the guts to give a presentation about "One top and one panty with cotton lined crotch" to George Lucas.

Legal note: The sale of these items constitutes a criminal offence in Scotland.


Shiny as a Droid

Why yes - an educational book giving the kiddies "Things to See, Touch and Smell from a Galaxy Far, Far Away".
You too can look at some pictures, stroke a bit of fur stuck to a page and - of course - discover the true meaning of Scratch 'n' Sniff. What smells from Star Wars did it provide? Oil? Scorched Stormtrooper armour? Lightsaber lubricant? We may never know... or care.

The literary world was horrified when investigative journalists discovered that the Things were not from a Galaxy Far, Far Away at all. They were actually from a book factory in Wisconsin, which just seems like another galaxy.


C3PO Tape Dispenser

Good God.
"Come and pull on my tape, little boy!"

I don't know which is worse - the positioning of the tape roll or the look on his face.

(JPX owns this)

Fun Ponchos

Plastic ponchos with silly pictures on. That's it.
What exactly is fun about a poncho?

"Say Billy, would you like to go to Disneyland today?"
"Sorry Dad, but I'm going to see Jimmy - He's got ponchos!"

They should have gone the whole hog and had tabards. Now they ARE fun.


Flip Flops

Out of all the thousands of items of Star Wars merchandise, these remain the only product that causes chafed toes.
These were released to satiate the desires of people who want C-3PO faces on top of their feet. Sadly for the manufacturers, all those people had been humanely put to sleep.


What Can You Get A Wookie For Christmas (When He Already Owns A Comb?)

It's fingers in your ears time - a novelty Star Wars record is upon us.
Incredibly, this song is actually as bad as it sounds. And the B-Side is "R2-D2 We Wish You A Merry Christmas."

But this isn't the most awful sci-fi song ever... William Shatner's album "The Transformed Man" is infinitely more horrifying. Yes, it features THAT version of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds".
(Shatner claims that his album is 'greatly misunderstood'. Presumably, people mistakenly believe that you are supposed to listen to it.)


Darth Vader Cake Decorating Kit

Little Billy wants a birthday cake in the shape of Darth Vader's helmet. Fair enough.
Except... What will we use for the icing? It suggests chocolate on the box. But chocolate is brown! We can't make it the wrong colour. What edible substance is black...?

On the day of the party, all of Billy's friends have a piece of cake. They bite into it and discover LICORICE ICING. Nobody ever speaks to Billy again, and he grows up to be a music critic for NME magazine."


Awfulness Rating Guide

* - German Teacher
** - Patronising Police Officer
*** - Daytime TV Presenter
**** - Overweight, spoilt 8-year-old
***** - John Wayne

1 comment:

Octopunk said...

Some of those are truly awful, but it feels like there's even more Phantom Menace crap out there.

That 3PO tape dispenser is bonkers.